Shouldas, Couldas, Wouldas
by Sam Mallory
Summary: Regret is a hard emotion for anyone to deal with, even for Doggett.


Title: Shouldas, Couldas, Wouldas  
  
Author: Samantha Mallory  
  
Spoilers: Audrey Pauley  
  
Summary: Regret is a hard thing for anyone to deal with, even Doggett.  
  
Rating: PG-13 for one bad word. Blink and you'll miss it.  
  
Disclaimer: X-Files belongs to Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox. No infringement is intended.  
  
Author's Notes at end  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
John rolled over again, wrapping the sheets even tighter around his body. Sweat from a sleepless night made the white undershirt he had worn to bed cling to his muscles. He glanced briefly at the clock and groaned when he saw that it was just after eleven o'clock. He had been tossing and turning for what felt like hours on end, but was actually only thirty minutes.  
  
There was no hope. Doggett sluggishly rose from bed, pulling pants on over his cotton boxers before standing. He headed directly to the kitchen from there, hoping warm milk and toast might help soothe his mind enough to allow him to sleep.  
  
He immediately ate his toast but chose to take the milk into his living room where he could savor it. John settled onto one well-worn couch and let his mind wander back to what was keeping him awake.  
  
Just a few short hours ago, he had dropped Monica off at her apartment. The moment had been a little tense with simple good-byes surrounded by far too much silence. It was almost like Monica was waiting for him to do something like speak or bridge the small space between them and kiss her. Hell, if she had stood there even a split second longer, he might have.  
  
John had been thinking more and more often lately what it would be like to kiss his partner. He had come up with many scenarios of how it might happen. Perhaps he would lean over her shoulder at the office as she showed him a report, and she would turn her head to say something, and their lips would meet. Or maybe the stress from a particularly brutal case would prove too much and drive them into each other's arms.  
  
Or perhaps he would finally work up the courage to just confess his love. Audrey Pauley had hit the nail right on the head when she had asked him at the hospital if he loved Monica. John was only surprised that it was that obvious, even to a stranger.  
  
With very little thought, John realized there was nothing stopping him from telling Monica how he felt. He knew she loved him, too. It was there in her eyes whenever she looked at him. Of course, if it weren't for his powers of observation, he might not have figured it out. He knew Audrey had told Monica that he loved her, and she had responded by saying that he was a dog person. Not exactly the response one would hope for.  
  
And that whole thing about partners not becoming romantically involved was bullshit. Look at Mulder and Scully. John wasn't sure how far their relationship had progressed, but they had a child together, for Christsake.  
  
For a brief moment, when he thought Monica was going to die there in the hospital, John had let himself regret that he hadn't kissed her when she dropped him off at his place. Well, as he had often been told growing up, "Shouldas, couldas, and wouldas will get you nowhere." Sitting at home moping over warm milk was not going to improve his current situation at all.  
  
John rose from the couch, leaving his untouched glass of milk sitting on an end table. He paused only long enough to gather his shoes, coat, and keys before leaving.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It seemed like forever since he had knocked on the door to Monica's apartment. There was still no answer from inside. A million doubts assailed him. Was she asleep? Should he come back later? Maybe he should wait until she had had more time to recover from her accident.  
  
Finally, John heard the rattle of a lock being undone. The door swung open to reveal a slightly mussed Monica wrapped securely in an older blue robe. John's heart leapt at the sight, and he couldn't help but think that she looked more beautiful every time he saw her.  
  
"Is something wrong?" Monica asked, a frown beginning to form.  
  
Doggett shifted his feet, feeling suddenly insecure. "No. I just wanted to talk."  
  
"About what?"  
  
John's eyes met Monica's, and he realized it was now or never. Gathering every ounce of his courage, he leaned forward.  
  
The kiss was chaste and relatively short. It was long enough, though, for John to discover that Monica's lips were soft and warm, a sensation that traveled straight to his heart.  
  
When John leaned back, Monica smiled at him. "You want to come in?" she asked.  
  
"Sure." He walked into her apartment and was glad to hear the satisfying click of the door being shut behind him.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Author's Note: So, whaddya think? I wrote this in about an hour (that includes writing by hand then typing up) after the show ended this evening. I'd appreciate any feedback that you may have. 


End file.
